How to be kinder to yourself

Self-compassion isn’t silly. It can make life’s challenges so much more manageable.

But being kind to yourself – especially when you feel like a failure – is often easier said than done. Instead, the default for many of us is to be our own worst critic: You always mess up. Everybody else has their life together – except you! You’re not doing enough. Sound familiar?

Learning to drown out self-criticism by turning up the volume on that kinder inner wisdom isn’t easy, but it is worth it. You might think that being hard on yourself will make you humbler, or that it’ll motivate you to be better, but considerable research has shown it actually tends to work against you.

So how do you actually show yourself kindness in a way that doesn’t feel cliché or inauthentic? When self-compassion doesn’t come naturally, consider these practical ways to give yourself a break.

1. Confront your inner critic

Whenever you start comparing yourself to others, or blaming yourself for a mistake or some other misstep, stop for a second and think about what you’re actually saying to yourself.

Simply noticing what your inner bully is saying – and even acknowledging it by writing it down or by trying a journaling alternative like voice notes – puts you in a better position to begin to challenge and quiet those thoughts.

2. Treat yourself like you would a close friend – or your childhood self.

This is a good rule of thumb when it comes to practicing self-kindness. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend who’s going through a rough time, don’t say it to yourself either.

If you are the sceptical, blunt friend who typically ‘keeps it real‘, perhaps try considering your inner child as the person receiving your message. By picturing a younger version of yourself who may have lacked understanding before an issue arose, or may have been triggered by something, you may see your situation through a more supportive lens, which may help reduce negative self-talk.

3. Make mindfulness a part of your daily routine.

Mindfulness is ultimately about checking in with yourself and how you’re feeling without judgement, which is a great way to foster self-kindness.

Yoga classes, meditation apps, and deep breathing exercises are popular ways to practice mindfulness, but they’re not the only options.

Sometimes, grounding yourself in the present can be as simple as paying attention to your body’s sensations (maybe before, during or after a meal) or sitting with the discomfort of your emotions and acknowledging them head-on. In whatever form, paying more attention to your inner world, without judging yourself, is an act of self-compassion in itself.

4. Remind yourself that mistakes are part of being human – and dwelling on them won’t do you any favours.

It can be helpful to acknowledge your mistakes in order to move forward, but ruminating about a perceived failure will just keep you stuck. The reality is that to err is only human; it’s not preventable, which is why learning to accept your missteps and move on is a much more useful strategy.

Try to separate your errors from your worth. For example, just because that one date didn’t go as well as you planned doesn’t mean you’re undateable and, more importantly, it definitely doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love.

5. Make sure to focus on positive stuff too.

The human brain has a natural tendency to fixate on the bad. For instance, you’ll probably remember that criticism from your parents more than the praise for your many accomplishments; that one embarrassing comment you made at a party more than the fun you had overall. In order to counteract this ‘negativity bias’, it can be helpful to put your ‘bad’ moments into perspective by consciously focusing on the positive.

Positive affirmations are another way to challenge the negative narrative in your head and remind yourself of your worth.

6. Do an activity you enjoy.

If complimenting yourself or giving yourself a pep talk feels unnatural, try replacing your negative thinking with an activity that gets you out of your head and leaves you feeling soothed.

For example, if you’re drawn to nature, you can go outside on a leisurely walk and tune into your surroundings. If you prefer to express yourself with art, maybe try an adult colouring book. Or maybe you love to blast a throwback playlist and dance around your living room with abandon.

7. Remember that self-compassion is not selfish.

Self-kindness involves making yourself a priority.

Many of us believe on some level that we should be there for others first and foremost, and that every minute we spend taking care of ourselves takes away from helping other people. However, the reality is that treating yourself with compassion will only make it easier to be physically and emotionally present for your loved ones. It’s kind of like a muscle: The more you exercise kindness and care in your own life, the more you have the physical, mental, and emotional strength to show up as your best self for others.

That said, you don’t need a reason – even one as beautiful as wanting to be there for others – to be kinder to yourself. You, as much as anyone else, deserve kindness for the simple fact that you’re alive. Give yourself a break. Take good care of yourself. Things may not always go the way you want, but you still deserve compassion. We all do.

ABRIDGED VERSION. Originally published by Jenna Rhu on <a href="http://www.self.comwww.self.com<em> following her interview with Adia Gooden, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist and host of the Unconditionally Worthy podcast. Original Source: https://www.self.com/story/kin...